The Pity Party

I’m having a pity party…just a party of one today. I was thinking about some issues I have been working on in my brain and needing my Mom to help me get through it.

We all have people in our lives that are our go-to people. They know our secrets, know how our brain works and would never judge us on our choices. We talk to that special person about things that only matter to us.  That person is my Mom.

Over the years, this has changed, as you can imagine. I am watchful and careful about the things that I tell her. Many times, she will only remember snip-its of what I say, not remembering our conversation or she will remember some of it and be worried. She doesn’t know this, but I have kept certain issues very private, not really sure how much she will understand and saving her the worry if she does remember.

There are many reasons to hate this disease but one of the top reasons is that it has robbed my Mom’s brain of all of the years of memories. I was trying to explain this to a girlfriend a while ago. The best way to describe it is that her brain is like a community filled with memories. So much is kept in that small community. Memories like getting us ready for the school year, working at Lutheran Social Services, cooking for the seniors, singing in the choir, attending my sporting events, working in her garden, walking and enjoying her friends. All of that is kept up in that small community of her brain, but there is a wicked storm that is invading her community/brain and it is called Alzheimer’s disease. It is a storm that nobody really wants to see and it has caused destruction and sadness.

All of the diseases people go through are difficult. They all take their toll on the ones we love. Please understand that I know all of them are difficult in their own way. Alzheimer’s has robbed my Mom of her community in her brain and our private conversations.

Over the years, she has guided and listened to me on so many issues and struggles, always with a comment, solution or just a simple…I know you will get through this. I don’t really have that any more and I miss it.

Many of you do not have your mothers or fathers any more and have also lost that connection . I still have my mother, which I am thankful for but that connection is lost. Her community is slowly drying up and fading away. 

Ambiguous loss is a difficult road…she is physically there but yet, in such a different context. It’s a roller coaster ride that we are both riding and really would like to get off because it is both making us ill.

So for today, just attend my party. I’ll get through this day and know that tomorrow it will be better. I’m off to see Mom and to hopefully play some Bingo.

In conclusion, I’m long in over due in thanking all of you who have taken the time to write a note, call me and ask how mom is doing and just telling me about your own experience. Some of you are struggling with the same issues and I have enjoyed hearing what works, doesn’t work or that you just keep plugging along also. You are free to join my party at any time.