The Third Year ❤️

The third year…1,095 days to be honest.

I really debated all week if I was going to write about it. Like last year, I don’t want people to think that I think about her all the time and I still consciously try not to talk about her. But she continues to dwell in my heart.

This is the time of year that is hard for me. It is her birthday, anniversary of her death and Mother’s Day all within a few weeks. Its hard not to think about her and miss her.

Summing up the third year has been a mix of emotions…

Like we have done the last few years, my brother and I gave away Dairy Queen Blizzards last week on what would have been her 92nd birthday. The first 100 people would get her favorite treat in honor of my mom, though they have discontinued the Snicker’s Blizzard which was her favorite. We even had a donation bucket and including on-line donations, raised over $500 for the Alzheimer’s Association. As I have mentioned before, she loved her hometown Dairy Queen. A place she knew when she would get turned around walking. It was centrally located to her walking and when her confusion took over, she knew where she was. Thank you to Carrie and staff for helping plan the event.

I have finished the manuscript of our memoir. It has been a labor or love. And I do mean labor. At times, I am very proud of it. There were many parts that were tricky to write about. I don’t want to embarrass her or write about something she would not want me to describe. I’ve added, taken out, changed things and tried to honor our time spent for those long eight years after my dad died. At times, I am terrified that people will be upset about decisions I made or that I have exploited her in some way. She knew that I started to write about her when we entered memory care and she felt she was a terrible topic. I beg to disagree. If I have helped one person understand the loss of a mother or anyone to this horrible disease, it will be worth the hundreds and hundreds of hours I have spent describing our journey. It will now go to the copy editor and book designer. I’m excited about the whole process. Many of you know of my love of books and the whole thought of putting this whole thing together is mind-boggling for me. I am hoping for a November release in honor of Alzheimer’s Awareness Month.

Grief continues but has lessened.

Next Thursday, I am having minor surgery. I was in the ER a few weeks ago and I have a mass on my left ovary which is large. A lab also came up high for ovarian cancer but the doctor is very optimistic, as am I. They will be taking the mass, ovary, and two Fallopian tubes which I obviously have no use for any more. When I was in last week for my pre-op, we discussed my mom a little. I don’t have a health history due to my adoption and he was intrigued of why my mom could not have children. He confirmed that if the same thing happened maybe twenty-five years ago, she would have been able to have children. I love that he spent the time with me discussing her history. Those are the moments I wish she was here. Not only to hold me hand but to tell me everything will be ok and to have faith. She had enough faith to go around.

I continue to miss her voice.

Parenting is hard and 90% of the time I feel a failure. Truth. On a particularly bad day with my teenager, she stated I have been angry since my mom died. “You have lost your smile!” I don’t feel she is completely accurate but at times, I have lost my smile. I think when you take care of loved one for that long, go through the highs and lows of a devastating disease, and then they are gone, its hard to get that smile back. The worry. The insecurity. The loss. The grief.  The sadness. No one to share certain things with.

I continue to miss just being her daughter.

I miss her calling my name or calling me on the phone.

I miss being able to ask her a cooking question.

I miss her hugs.

I miss the time that we spent reading together or watching the birds.

I miss her stating, “Let go and let God”.

High up, above the clouds, I  hope that she is happy with my dad, drinking coffee, reading, working on her tan in a big beautiful garden and humming a song. I hope she is looking down and me and she would remind me to smile. I hope that she is also happy with the story I have told about a mother, a daughter and the love that kept them together.

Happy Mother’s Day next week to all of you with your own mama’s. And to all of you who have lost your own Mom’s over the past year, remember to find your smile.

Jodi

 

 

 

12 thoughts on “The Third Year ❤️

  1. Jodi, just know I am here for you in any w way you need me.

    I miss her too, more than I can ever tell you.

    Love, Aunt Gloria Sent from my iPad

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jodi,
    What a wonderful idea to publish a book regarding your journey as you cared for your dear mother through this difficult disease. Your writing has given insight to so many regarding Alzheimer’s, as you & your family experienced it first hand.

    I’ll always remember how thrilled your parents were when Ross & you became their family, after many years of marriage. What a great daughter you have been! May the days ahead be good ones. Praying things will turn out well for you. Your folks were so proud of you & continue to be as they look down from heaven!

    Your Cousin, Mary Ann

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am enduring my second year of losing my mom. Like you the pain is less, but there are so many things that I miss. I blogged about mom’s and my journey as well but I haven’t really been able to write about anniversaries. (Though I did write one on the first mothers day without her.) I have thought about writing a book as well but I am not sure I have documented the journey well enough to do so. Mom didn’t have dementia but had other health issues as to why I was her caregiver.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry, I hit my return button to early…. My brother calls this stage in our lives, learning to live a new normal. And it is true. Life is so different these days. I was very blessed that I did not have to go a job outside my home, so in my first year, I was able to grieve completely. It wasn’t pretty but it helped my process. In this second year, I have more energy and less pain. In telling you that, I know you will begin to find your true smile again, it just takes time. Thank you for sharing your story and journey with us. I have truly enjoyed reading about it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think your brother is correct. I miss her at different times but the grief is less. It’s hard for me because I work with so many dementia patients and families. You just never get away from it. But maybe that’s a good thing? Keep writing, I’m listening. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry not to respond. I feel like shes been gone forever, though it’s been three years. I know we share adoption stories. I think the best mom really picked me. So lucky to have her as long as I did. Miss her love. ❤

      Like

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