Its a beautiful day today and the girls and I decided to bring Grandma some Snickers and a few other things for her. We arrive and find her sleeping in her chair. The girls have never been known to be really quiet and I think we woke her up out of a deep sleep. She is disjointed and trying to tell me something, “That shouldn’t happen!” I can’t understand what she is trying to tell me, only that she is worried about something I can’t figure out.
We give her a banana and she is worried we don’t have anything to eat and she keeps giving me the banana back. I tell her its ok, that we just ate lunch. Again, I can tell she is worried and sad. The girls decide to read to her out of the devotion book. It normally is a comfort, but not today.
I try to help the staff when I can, but the girls are with me and I know she needs to go to the bathroom. I help the kind, older man who is her aide, walk Mom to the bathroom and she keeps telling me, “Thank you, Thank you”. The both of us walk her back to bed and she starts to weep. I’m not sure if I hurt her walking or getting her into bed. She is incredibly afraid of something that she can not articulate. I haven’t seen her cry since September, when she had her stroke and knew something was wrong with her. Its very difficult to see your mother cry and knowing that she is fearful of something I can’t help her with. I again ask her a few questions and I can tell the aide is uncomfortable and does not know how to help. She has been weepy for most of the afternoon, he reports.
I decided to go get her some coffee and return to find my girls trying to help her. I think it is also hard for them to see Grandma cry. This is how I found them.
I love that they are trying to help and that she is holding Sophia’s hand. She is calmer and less anxious. Over and over she says to me…I love you. I love you.
I wish I knew what she wanted to say. Sometimes its a guessing game and I get lucky. Sometimes she just repeats what I’ve just said. Today, I wish I knew what her fear was all about and what made her cry. She is very different in behavior today than she normally is.
I know that on each and every post I write, I try and find the lesson that I am supposed to learn. I know its there. Should I be more patient? Can she see my own fear? What happens if she sees me cry?
Today, I’m not sure what the lesson is. Only that fear and tears make me sad for her.