Today, we decided as a family to visit Mom in her new room. It’s hard with our busy schedules to figure out the time for all four of us to come and visit. Each of the girls are bringing in something for Mom and I am excited to show them her new room and have her meet her sweet roommate.
When we arrive, she is in the bathroom with an aide and I can tell that she is not having a good day. The aide is very gentle and sweet with her and I can see a worried expression on her face. She quietly mouths to me, “Your Mom wants to die!”. Mom is sweaty, nervous and scratching her back. She is out of sorts.
When I moved Mom on Thursday, everything went very well, no problems with the move and it was great relief for me. As I was leaving that day, the woman from the beauty shop stopped me and asked if everything was alright with mom. I told her she was doing well and told her about her move. She told me that while fixing Mom’s hair, she kept stating, “I just want to die”. She told me it really bothered her and she even told the nurses she was concerned about her. Mom was normally very funny, a little sarcastic and never made a fuss getting her hair done.
I actually had forgotten about the comment until today. She is now out of the bathroom and playing with Matilda, her stuffed dog and she has forgotten the girls names. I gently remind her and she seems a little better. Its getting time for supper and my family heads down the hallway. Mom decides she needs to go back to the bathroom and I take her. While we are in there, again she states, “Why won’t God just take me?” and “I just want to die”. She is quiet and I can tell the fog of this disease comes over her. She is even confused about why I am there. I slip into nursing mode and ask her questions that she can’t answer. Do you hurt? Are you hungry? Did you take a nap today? None of the questions she can answer. As she sits there, she looks at me and pats my face and gives me the biggest sigh.
Those words are very powerful. Anyone that you have deeply loved so very much, you really are never prepared for those words. I can completely understand the statement 100%. I was telling Steve when we got home, what does she have to live for? I don’t mean to be insensitive about that but look at our own lives and if you can remember her own. Family, my dad, our activities, church, choir, gardening and her beloved grandchildren. There was never a time she wasn’t doing something. Thursday, the activity aide came into her room, inviting her to attend a “Cooking From Scratch” class. I encouraged mom to go, since this is what she did best. Cooking. Again, she said no, she would rather stay in her room. Life for her has slowed down to a crawl, or even stopped. It is hard for me to accept and in a way, she is even more accepting of it because she has forgotten.
We leave her room, and she is confused about supper and where it is. I walk with her and I feel so sad. Really sad. We get to her chair after moving people around and she is so very quiet. My kids have kissed her goodbye and I can tell the visitor is watching me across the table. She is a sister to a woman that sits with mom and I don’t want to converse with her. She watches as warm tears are coming down my face and I am mortified they have started. I kiss Mom goodbye and walk out to the desk. I catch Lisa, the nurse and ask her to watch over Mom tonight. Again, I cry in front of her and my family. I am more of a mess than my mother.
We get home tonight and there is a message to call my aunt, Mom’s sister. She is a comfort and we talk about not having Mom come to Easter and that I will most likely just go there. We talk about what Mom keeps telling me and how hard it is to hear.
I think that God is not ready for her just yet. I try and find the best in my days with her but today…this has been a really hard day. If you can send her good thoughts and prayers, I would be grateful.